Introduction 1
About This Book 1
Foolish Assumptions 2
Icons Used in This Book 3
Beyond the Book 3
Where to Go from Here 4
Part 1: Getting Started with Self-Compassion 5
Chapter 1: Exploring Self-Compassion 7
Befriending Yourself: A Splendid New Relationship 8
Understanding Self-Compassion 10
Compassion at the core 10
Mindfulness 12
Common humanity 13
Self-kindness 13
Looking at the Yin and Yang of Self-Compassion 14
“Yin-sights” 16
“Yang-sights” 18
Balancing soothing and strong 20
Asking the Fundamental Question of Self-Compassion 21
Introducing the Mindful Self-Compassion Program 21
Practice: The Self-Compassion Break 23
Inquiring: What arose for you when you took a Self-Compassion Break? 24
Chapter 2: Enjoying the Benefits of Self-Compassion 27
What Science Says about Self-Compassion 28
Measuring how compassionate you really are toward yourself 28
Emotional well-being 31
The self-compassion trap 32
Exploring the Physiology of Self-Criticism and Self-Compassion 35
The brain we share with our ancestors 36
Being a mammal and “the cuddle hormone” 39
Activating our instincts with soothing touch 42
Addressing Your Doubts about Self-Compassion 44
The five most common misgivings 46
Letting your experience be the deciding factor 51
Chapter 3: The Self-Compassion Road Ahead 53
Why Self-Compassion Isn’t Always Easy 54
Getting the Most Out of This Practice 56
Having the spirit of an adventurer 57
Being a self-compassion scientist 58
Being willing to be a slow learner and your own best teacher 60
If it’s a struggle, it’s not self-compassion 61
Building Resilience Through Courageous Self-Compassion 62
Courage and safety: A winning combination 63
What you resist, persists 64
What you feel, you can heal 66
The Four Noble Truths: A Buddhist Perspective on Being Human 69
First noble truth: Suffering exists 70
Second noble truth: The cause of suffering 70
Third noble truth: The end of suffering 71
Fourth noble truth: The path to relief of suffering 71
Finding What You Need to Feel Safe and Courageous 72
Opening and closing to adjust your “dosage” 75
Finding your sweet spot of tolerance 77
The experience of belonging and deserving 79
The Compassionate Friend Meditation 81
Practicing the meditation 82
Inquiring: What was it like to find your compassionate part? 83
Chapter 4: Discovering Mindfulness in Self-Compassion 85
Minding the Facets of Mindfulness 86
The Body: Your Constant Companion 88
Considering how you treat your body 89
Anchoring your attention 89
Practice: Compassionate mindfulness of the body 91
The big deal about the breath 94
Practice: Affectionate breathing 95
Feelings: Love ’em or Hate ’em, We All Have Them 97
Unpacking pleasant and unpleasant moments 98
Developing the capacity to recognize feelings 100
Minding the “Weather” of the Mind 101
The power of language when working with the mind 102
Is the dog walking you? 102
Mental Objects: Often Arising, Sometimes Helpful 105
A little less color and a little more play-by-play 106
Five obstacles and how to RAIN on their parade 107
A word about practicing mindfulness 110
Part 2: Traveling on the Self-Compassion Journey 111
Chapter 5: Common Humanity: Connection and Belonging 113
The Inescapable Truth: We Need Each Other 114
Acknowledging Our Universal Human Need 118
Survival equals love 119
What arises if we feel unloved or unlovable? 120
Three common blocks to embracing your common humanity 123
Starting small with common humanity 126
Two Tasks to Embrace Common Humanity 127
Claiming your human birthrights 127
Avoiding the perils of perfection 128
Practice: Just Like Me 130
Just Like Me meditation 130
Inquiring: What was it like to see how others are just like you? 132
Chapter 6: Cultivating Your Innate Kindness 133
We All Just Want to Be Happy 134
Investing in Your Capacity to Be Kind 136
Practice: Lovingkindness for a Loved One 137
Inquiring: What was it like to cultivate kindness? 139
Backdraft: When you experience the unexpected 140
What if you practiced and felt absolutely nothing? 144
What if you practiced lovingkindness and felt great? 145
Oh, the Places You’ll Go with Lovingkindness! 146
Chapter 7: How Kindness Transforms in the Fire of Life 149
Awakening Your Heart and Opening Your Eyes 150
Beginning the exercise 151
Turning your kindness inward 152
Directing compassion toward the other 152
Making a compassionate U-turn 153
Inquiring into the exercise and being patient 154
Remembering that goodwill serves as the common thread 154
Weathering Our Own “Storms” of Suffering 156
Knowing that we are suffering 157
It all begins with mindfulness 158
Common humanity: What to do with awareness 160
Exploring What We Need in a Moment of Suffering 160
Including ourselves in the circle of our compassion 161
Practice: Finding lovingkindness phrases 164
Inquiring: What was it like to offer yourself what you truly need? 166
Part 3: The Heartfelt Power of Self-Compassion 169
Chapter 8: Discovering Core Values: Your Inner Compass 171
Core Values Guide Us and “Re-Mind” Us 172
Finding meaning through core values 173
Your core values determine your experience 174
The relationship between core values and suffering 175
Some who wander are, indeed, lost 176
Practice: Uncovering your core values 177
Inquiring: What was it like to discover your core values? 180
Translating values into action 181
Dark Nights and Dark Clouds: Wisdom Gleaned from Life’s Challenges 182
Seasoning in the stew 183
How failure and hardship teach us 184
Exercise: Silver linings and golden gifts 185
Inquiring: Were you able to identify a silver lining? 186
Chapter 9: Dancing with the Inner Critic and Making Change 187
The Inner Critic: Self-Monitoring Gone Haywire 189
Living with your own worst critic 190
Exploring the function of an inner critic 192
A note on the malicious inner critic 194
The devious inner trickster 195
Changing Your Relationship with Your Inner Critic 196
How our attempts to manage the critic are doomed 197
Thoughts are not facts, and our critic is not us 198
The surprising motive of your inner critic 199
Practice: Compassionate motivation for making change 201
Inquiring: What did you discover? 205
Chapter 10: Encountering Difficult Emotions 207
Where Are You Now? Stages of Self-Compassion Progress 208
The early stage: Striving 209
The “muddy middle” of disillusionment 210
The bearable lightness of radical acceptance 211
A brief reflection to find where you are 212
The Practice of Meeting Your Emotions 213
“This being human is a guest house” 214
Your attitude matters 215
Finding hidden value in difficult emotions 216
The Five Stages of Encountering Emotions 220
Resisting: Slamming the door 221
Exploring: Peering through the peephole 222
Tolerating: Setting your limits 223
Allowing: Letting go 224
Befriending: Sitting down to tea 226
Chapter 11: Finding Tools for Working with Feelings 227
Mindfulness Tools for Meeting Emotions 228
Name it and you can tame it 229
Feel it and you can heal it 230
Self-compassion tools for strong emotions 231
Putting it all into practice: Soften, Soothe, and Allow 233
Inquiring: What did you notice about working with your emotion in this way? 236
Shame: The Most Challenging Emotion of All 237
The three paradoxes of shame 239
What underlies the phenomenon of shame? 241
Practice: Self-Compassion Break for Shame 243
Inquiring: How was it to work with shame in this way? 245
Part 4: Turning Challenge into Opportunity 247
Chapter 12: Transforming Challenging Relationships 249
Connection as the Foundation for Human Life 250
Practice: Giving and receiving compassion 252
Inquiring: What was it like to share your compassion? 254
Anger: The Pain of Feeling or Fearing Disconnection 254
When anger serves us 256
When anger harms us 256
Meeting anger with self-compassion 257
Practice: Meeting Unmet Needs 260
Inquiring: What did you discover? 263
When Being Connected to Others Hurts 264
How and why connection can hurt 264
Burnout and the myth of “compassion fatigue” 267
Practice: Compassion with Equanimity 269
Inquiring: What stood out for you? 272
Chapter 13: Forgiving Without Forgetting 273
Twelve Principles of Forgiveness 274
The Self-Compassionate Path of Forgiveness 275
Practice: Five Steps to Forgiveness 276
Inquiring: How was it to begin to forgive? 278
Chapter 14: Cultivating a Sense of Belonging 281
Putting Your “Whole Self In” 282
Your identities describe you but need not define you 284
Humans are relentless evaluators 285
The Power of Belonging 286
How you resemble an iceberg 288
Reflection: Naming your identity iceberg 289
Practice: This, Too Meditation 291
Inquiring: How was it to greet your identities? 293
Chapter 15: Overcoming Our Ancient Brains: Opening to the Good 295
Making Room for Joy 296
The Teflon Versus Velcro Conundrum: Accurately Appraising Experience 298
Cultivating Happiness by Embracing Your Life 299
Savor the flavor of life 300
Gratitude and well-being 302
Who have you missed? Appreciating our own selves 305
Part 5: The Part of Tens 309
Chapter 16: Ten Paths for Further Practice and Study 311
The Center for Mindful Self-Compassion 311
Three Core Books on Self-Compassion 312
Self-Compassion-Based Retreats 313
Community of Practice 313
Websites, Audio, Apps, and Other Technology 314
CDP: Deepening Your Practice Beyond MSC 315
Fierce Self-Compassion 315
Self-Compassion for Kids and Teens 315
Self-Compassionate Parenting 316
The Best Self-Compassion Resource Ever 316
Chapter 17: Ten Tips for Keeping Up Your Practice of Self-Compassion 319
You Don’t Have to Do Them All 320
Furry Friends Are the Best 321
The Self-Compassion Workout Approach 321
Cultivate a Base of Kindness 322
It’s Better Together 322
Everybody Must Get Stones 323
Practice Behavioral Self-Compassion 323
Cultivate Gratitude in Connection 324
Be Willing to Start Again and Again 325
If It’s a Struggle, It’s Not Self-Compassion 325
Chapter 18: Ten Ways Self-Compassion Can Improve Your Relationships 327
Finding Out What They Need 328
Adopting a Shared Road Map 329
Reversing the Downward Spiral 330
Giving and Receiving Compassion to and from Your Partner 331
Savoring Each Other 331
Maintaining Your Relationship to the One in the Mirror 332
Making Room for Humor and Joy 333
Being Better Together but Good Apart Too 333
Finding Shared Lovingkindness Phrases 334
Deepening Through Training in Self-Compassion 335
Chapter 19: Ten Pocket Self-Compassion Practices for Busy People 337
Use the Smallest Unit of Self-Compassion 338
Find Your Feet 338
Listen to Self-Compassion 339
Find Self-Compassion in a SNAP 339
Catch the Fleeting Moments and Transitions 340
Pinpoint the Unmet Need 340
Maintain Connection Despite Busyness 341
Really Connect with the People You Meet 342
Remember What’s Going on Here, with Me 342
Exercise the “Beautiful No” 343
Index 345
Steven Hickman, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist; retired Associate Clinical Professor, University of California at San Diego School of Medicine; and Executive Director of the non-profit Center for Mindful Self-Compassion. He has trained hundreds of teachers of mindfulness and compassion-based programs and is highly regarded as a speaker, teacher, and author.
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